Posts Tagged ‘chinese girlfriend’

Chinese New Year with the not quite in-laws

Posted: January 28, 2012 in Chinese Culture
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I’ve just returned from spending the Chinese New Year with my girlfriend’s family in Shandong (apologies for the lack of recent updates). A few weeks ago I wrote on China’s marriage trap and over the holiday I got to experience first hand a little bit of why Chinese often rush into marriage.

This was my third Chinese New Year at her home. As is Chinese custom and social assumption, the first time I went was essentially signaling our intent to get married. The idea that I was a just a foreigner with no place else to go for the holiday wasn’t something that crossed many people’s minds. The second year, things were set in stone when one uncle went so far as to host a semi-official “welcome to the family” dinner (unbeknownst to me ahead of time). Keep in mind, we never said a word to anyone about marriage plans. This year, everyone’s attitude was basically, “What the hell are you waiting for?”

My girlfriend’s family is about the most liberal you could ever ask for. Nobody ever gave her one bit of grief about dating a foreigner and we even sleep in the same bed while staying at her parents’ place (completely shocking to most Chinese friends I tell). But that didn’t make us immune to the marriage pressure. There was no playful insinuation or beating around the bush. Every relative’s and friend’s home we visited, we were asked directly, “When are you getting married?”

I would just cop-out with the always useful “我听不懂” (I don’t understand) card and make my girlfriend answer. She’d just say we didn’t have plans yet – that I’m still finishing school and there’s no reason to rush, which is true. That was good enough for most, but not all. We went to visit a friend of the family who’s my girlfriend’s “godmother” and made a critical error.

Godmother: When will you two get married?

Girlfriend: We’re not sure.

Godmother: Then when will you have a baby?

Girlfriend: Haha, I’m not even sure I want a baby.

Godmother: (Jaw drops) But you must have a baby.

Girlfriend: Haha, I don’t know.

Godmother: You don’t have to have it right away. You can just be married for a year and then have it.

Girlfriend: We’ll see.

Godmother: You don’t even have to plan it. Just stop using birth control and see what happens.

…And that’s about the point I decided I wouldn’t be returning to her hometown until I put a ring on her finger.

There seems to be a common fear in China that if you wait one day past your 30th birthday to have a baby, it’ll have disastrous health effects for the mother or child. So now that we’re certain we won’t be breaking up, it’s just baffling to some that we aren’t actively planning the wedding and fixing to get knocked up on the wedding night.

For us it’s not a big deal. We’re strong-willed and most of the family is open-minded enough that we don’t feel tempted to bow to this pressure. We’re all but certain we’ll get married eventually anyways, so it’s easy to brush off. But it’s easy to see how many Chinese just throw in the towel and jump into a life they’re not ready for.

Dating’s no occasion for mindless nationalism

Posted: August 20, 2010 in Chinese Culture
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Global Times – August 19th, 2010

If you’ve been in China over the past few months and not living under a rock, you’ve probably heard of the hit Jiangsu TV dating show called If you are the one, where hopeful bachelors are individually grilled by a tribunal of single girls. If the man proves himself worthy he may be lucky enough to gain a date with one of the girls. But often he walks away in shame after being systematically rejected.

The gold-digging gameSeveral weeks ago, a friend of mine was a contestant on the show and made it through the grilling; even making several witty innuendos which the show is infamous for. In the end he wound up being accepted by an impressive eight girls.

But even if you’re a die-hard fan of the show, you never saw him. His segment was cut because, according to the director, he was “too successful.” If that seems like a terrible excuse to waste an entertaining segment, here’s the hitch: my friend is American.

In the episode his segment was supposed to air, two other foreign men were also contestants, but they were wholly rejected and their segments aired. The message was clear: It’s funny to see Chinese girls reject foreigners, but nobody wants to see a foreign guy get the girl, and they certainly don’t want to see eight girls fighting for him.

Unfortunately, the show was probably wise to cut the segment. Had it aired, many Chinese viewers at home would’ve probably felt a sense of dissatisfaction, like watching a movie end with the villain getting the girl. Even after 30 years of opening-up to foreigners, there’s still a high degree of bitterness, resentment and nationalism toward Chinese-foreign couples in China, especially from men.

These attitudes have frustrated my Chinese girlfriend and me for the past three years. Many in China have a very hard time accepting that she chose me over the scores of willing Chinese boys who share her background and culture.

They believe her motivations must lie in either a desire for money, US citizenship, or just blind worship for all things foreign. On the other hand, my motivations in manipulating a beautiful and pure Chinese girl into becoming my girlfriend must simply be lecherous.

The one explanation that doesn’t seem plausible is that we each found qualities in the other that we love but weren’t finding in people from our own cultures. But when someone is extremely proud of his or her own culture, this usually isn’t an explanation they’re willing to accept.

This is especially true in a country with a history of occupation and subjection at the hands of foreign powers. My girlfriend has been lectured more than once by Chinese acquaintances about the indignity of dating a foreigner, sometimes by single men with less than honest intentions.

But that leads to another source of resentment toward Chinese-foreign couples that’s more pragmatic. The ratio of men to women in China is currently a staggering 119 men for every 100 women and rising; meaning competition is already fierce among Chinese men without the added obstacle of foreigners.

The actual number of foreigners sweeping Chinese women out of the dating pool is statistically insignificant compared to the size of China’s population, but that’s hardly any comfort to a single Chinese man when he sees a foreigner with his arm around a beautiful Chinese girl. So are these men justified in their bitter feelings?

When buying a car, some people like the big rugged luxury of US models. But for me, I prefer the compact efficiency of Japanese cars. Some nationalistic Americans would (and do) criticize me for not supporting my own country’s industry, especially in a time when the US auto industry is in desperate need of business.

But their criticism is blind to the fact that, for my specific tastes, US cars usually don’t deliver. Should I really feel any shame for getting a car that has everything I want just because my country isn’t on the label?

Crass as the analogy may be, intercultural dating is no different. Nationalism often blinds onlookers to the realities and motivations of the relationship.

And while the current dating scene might be distressing to Chinese men, women can’t be expected to give up the traits they want in a man out of some dubious idea that they should just lie back and think of China.

Nobody should feel ashamed for being with the person that gives them whatever it is they want in a lover.